Lost

We have lived here in Washington for just over 2 years. Prior to moving here, my husband spent a year in Iraq, and I spent that year losing over 100 pounds. I worked hard and was very disciplined, and dazzled people with my progress. I was on top of the world--especially when I got to spend a week in Hawaii with my husband, attaining some pretty fun physical feats.

Then we moved, and I really struggled to keep it up. When we got to our house and we got things all set up, I finally stepped on the scale and was devastated that I had gained about 15 pounds in a very short amount of time. So Jared and I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, the Joe Cross documentary on juicing, which is available on Netflix. After watching that, Jared was motivated to join me on a 10 day juice fast.

We made it halfway through day 8 and we were both just sick of it. I sent him off to Subway to bring us each home a footlong sandwich and some chips. I mean, we deserved it after juice fasting for a week! We were psychologically ravenous.

For the next month or so I tried to get back to juicing, but never could make it past lunch on the first day before I was quitting to just eat whatever the family was eating. For the life of me, I could not do it again.

I have spent my entire 2 years in Washington kind of lost as to know what to do about my weight. I had identified my problem with extremes, and so I very much hesitated to "diet" the same way I always have. But I didn't know how to do things any other way. I wanted to get motivated, but I was afraid to get OVER motivated. I wanted to exercise, and I did at one point join the gym. But I couldn't leave well enough alone, I always pushed. I tried to exercise without the gung ho motivation, but I needed it to drive me through--to get me out of bed, in the car, to they gym, and on the machine. Without the motivation, I stayed in bed. With the motivation, I pushed too hard. I spent 2 years trying to figure out how to do enough, but not too much. How to follow rules, but not to the point of killing myself over them.

For two years I have struggled to know what to do. I tried Weight Watchers at one point during that time (because it makes the most sense. It offers guidelines without completely cutting anything out). But I couldn't for the life of me stick with it, because--well, I don't know why.

And so for two years, I have basically lived by no rules, as I have gone back and forth in my mind how in the world to face it. Trying to figure out how to do what I need to do without going to extremes. But without those guidelines, doing nothing at all to care one bit about how I have been eating, I gained 150 pounds. Even in 2 years, who does that?

Not your every day, run of the mill person who struggles with weight. This is something monumentally more serious.